Foolish hearts!!

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Have to say that it has been forever that I have been dealing with the issue of “why don’t women like me”.  I’m talking women off all walks of life.  This has been an issue that I have been dealing with since I was very young. It definitely wasn’t because of my looks, I was not a swan and initially I was being picked on, stolen from, abused and bullied.  I did come into my looks in my late teens and because I’d never been excepted I suppose that when I went through the transformation to a tall sexy curve black girl (of course it’s still difficult to judge myself). By this time I was not exposed to many women, however, definitely the opposite sex. It wasn’t until I joined the work force that I discovered that women hated me.

     I was adored by the men everywhere I went and women tended to punish me regardless of how nice or helpful I was. Through these experiences I met women who disliked me at the door and since being a troubled insecure women was clearly a part of my core personality I reacted! I was shy, sweet and innocent and.didn’t understand why I couldn’t fit in. I cried regularly and developed a torrid self hatred.  I couldn’t understand why I didn’t.last in jobs, of the women were in charge and lasted on jobs where men were in charge. I was intelligent and smart, fast learned and hard worker. I wasnt the girl these women hated me for.  I was an innocent.

     Fastforward, I’m 39 the behavior I’ve described has not stopped. I’ve worked hard at being accommodating and helpful, but no matter what I’m usually the most hated girl at work. Being a nurse (RN) with people working under you makes this situation even more difficulti am a young 39 I don’t look my age and up until I became pregnant I was still built like my 20 year old me.  Now you would think I was blending in better with a group of women the dreaded having to work with me for whatever reasons they could come up with, but no. I am still the most hated. I can’t.make assumptions why, even though when describing the behavior to to coworkers who see the division, which so far is just one. She says they are jealous because the see you are more and have something they don’t. I can never except because of course I go to the period where no one like me when younger because I was a none factor. So it becomes difficult to believe.jealousy as a cause for all the aggression.  I mean just seeing adult women fall over their faces to get away from me and not participate in a baby shower thrown on my behalf, hurts like hell! I have no answers I can’t figure out why I’m the outcast, but I won’t deny crying…and o don’t think I will ever just except this and not always blame myself for others don’t care much for me.  Thanks for reading.