“The untouchable Heart”

Have you ever met a male or female that made you think they were part of the norm and that they were the one.  They had you all up in love believing that the relationship  would lead to something even more wonderful and fulfilling then suddenly… nothing poof they’re gone!!  Just like that all that you were experiencing emotionally and at times physically was over.  No more phone calls, texts going unanswered, nothing was there to validate what you were experiencing or feeling just yesterday.  


Actually, that moment where everything changed was not the first time you saw that something was not right.  Recall that in the 6 months you were involved there were always excuses regarding time and plans.  He/she would often times make up a trillion stories why they couldn’t see you that night, that weekend, that holiday.  The times when they just didn’t respond to a text until maybe the next day (filled with excuses why it took so long) or not return you call or if they did it was awfully short as if their time was being wasted because they had other more important things to do with it.  Most interesting is the fact that you stayed.  Why?  Because they made every excuse or story sound so legitimate that you couldn’t get mad, though you were secretly frustrated… you loved them and you believed they were telling you the truth. You felt so bad for them wondering how you could help them get their priorities straight.  You would offer to take food over or take them away from “work” for a quick break.  You were rejected always with a more pressing and important issue at hand.  Hearing things like, “uggg I wish that I could just get rid of some of these things that I have to do or I am so sorry baby it’s just that I have a deadline, or I have my son, or I’m sick or, I don’t always have my phone that’s why I didn’t text you back” or or or… Or you are just full of crap my friend!  No man is that busy and if he is… he is choosing to be!!  

I’ve entered into a relationship of this kind on nearly four different occasions.  Most times they started off slow and ended quickly.  Meaning, there was something in the way from the start but I couldn’t put my finger on it then, I just knew something wasn’t right.  Here I am sixteen years later just realizing that I recycled a relationship with a man that I made all kinds of excuses for in my 20’s then again in my 30’s now here I go in my 40’s just now realizing what I’ve been dealing with… a man with an untouchable heart.  You know the kind, like what I described previously.  The turning point after all the treatment described in my example came when prior to leaving in the month of August for Singapore I was pushed to the wayside a week prior to his departing.  Now I’d been going through him constantly pushing the rejection button on me, and having absolutely no time to spare.  This man and I finally got to the place in June that we would take the relationship to another level, finally going to his house.  Prior to doing that I was given every excuse in the book of why he couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to do this or that or spend this or that kind of time.  Meeting up for lunch was always a huge show… oh I have to push this back and cancel this meeting or change the time on that.  Listen dude every one has to have lunch… what’s your deal.  Anyway,  so he squeezed his way back in my life in January of this year and had been difficult to lock down and date ever since.  Sadly, I hung on in there with every false promise, every sweet word, every “I love you baby-girl” I was undisposible because I resisted telling myself the truth until recently.  

The untouchable heart prepared to leave for Singapore for which he said was for business for 3 weeks or so.  Prior to leaving the untouchable heart found every excuse known to mankind to not see me and barely interacted with me via text and I only received one phone call prior to him leaving.  A phone call that he usually know will pacify his in-disposable weakling!  So I believed with questions of course everything he was feeding me.  Every excuse why he didn’t or couldn’t call.  Why he didn’t have time text or even respond to them for that matter… just why he didn’t have time.  Partially buying the story I decided okay things are going to get better when he’s in Singapore per his only call prior to leaving, “I will try to call you a few times baby but it will be hard”.  Huh this guy this is a real winner here.  I received zero calls and barely a response to my watsapp texts, which if you know what watsapp is you would know that he could use it pretty easily.  I have friends in Italy and Australia that I speak to on the regular so I was perplexed by his many excused why he wasn’t responsive while out of the country.  I became depressed, starting feeling emotions of worthlessness and it hurt like hell. When I tried to express how I felt via voice messages he ignored me and then would provide some surface and lame excuse with where all his time was going.  Red flag one he care nothing of my feelings and Red flag two he carried on with the behavior I didn’t know when he’d arrived to Singapore or returned until he called and left me a message talking about how he can’t wait to see me he’s back, sick and jet-lag.  Once again gathering team support for his untouchable heartlessness.  This man forgot that he’d basically left me hanging for over three weeks and returned as if he were gone for just a single day.  I was so frustrated by this behavior and didn’t quite understand it because I’d been dealing with people like this all my life.  It was a norm to me to have relationship issues… this was no different.  I texted him the next day being that he’d called so late that night.  He calls me immediately his usual style.  Still complaining about being sick and getting work done and court cases, etc.  Once again I was happy because he gave me the littlest of attention.  Felt like love again and when he said the words I believed him because I valued the man more than I could ever value myself.  I thought that I deserved only the bare minimum and even when I smiled and oohed through his little pacify me call I could feel  that I was selling out on my self worth… but I didn’t care all I wanted was to be loved by this man.  that call came in on August 23rd and today is Sept. 3rd and I was suppose to have a date with this man tonight but I haven’t heard a peep from him since August 31st.  On August 25 I called my self trying to lit a fire under his ass and manipulate him into wanting me more by telling him that I wasn’t happy with our current situation so I wanted to step back and take a break.  He never responded to this message and on August 29th day after his 47th birthday I called to tell him I thought it was wrong that he would say nothing to my message and just act as if I didn’t matter.  He didn’t respond to that one either.  So then I left another message telling him that it is only fair to say something to a woman that he has known and has pretty much loved him for sixteen years.  Finally he calls back with excuses and stories and finally notifies me that he needs time and basically needs to step away from the relationship but in the same conversation makes plans to see me today Sept. 3rd for a romantic dinner and breakfast the next morning… well the untouchable heart has disappeared and I the undisposible weakling have chose to be disposable and no longer a weakling for him or any other man this is the third relationship that I’ve been in that has been unfair unequal and painful.  Seems to me the untouchable hearts have the same behavior in different bodies giving the same reaction to similar people.  No longer lost in love… I will continue my journey BUT this time the journey of learning to love myself madly before I can commit to the love of another.


The one that is changing my life


my sweet Gianna
via PicsArt Photo Studio

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Foolish hearts!!


Have to say that it has been forever that I have been dealing with the issue of “why don’t women like me”.  I’m talking women off all walks of life.  This has been an issue that I have been dealing with since I was very young. It definitely wasn’t because of my looks, I was not a swan and initially I was being picked on, stolen from, abused and bullied.  I did come into my looks in my late teens and because I’d never been excepted I suppose that when I went through the transformation to a tall sexy curve black girl (of course it’s still difficult to judge myself). By this time I was not exposed to many women, however, definitely the opposite sex. It wasn’t until I joined the work force that I discovered that women hated me.

     I was adored by the men everywhere I went and women tended to punish me regardless of how nice or helpful I was. Through these experiences I met women who disliked me at the door and since being a troubled insecure women was clearly a part of my core personality I reacted! I was shy, sweet and innocent and.didn’t understand why I couldn’t fit in. I cried regularly and developed a torrid self hatred.  I couldn’t understand why I didn’t.last in jobs, of the women were in charge and lasted on jobs where men were in charge. I was intelligent and smart, fast learned and hard worker. I wasnt the girl these women hated me for.  I was an innocent.

     Fastforward, I’m 39 the behavior I’ve described has not stopped. I’ve worked hard at being accommodating and helpful, but no matter what I’m usually the most hated girl at work. Being a nurse (RN) with people working under you makes this situation even more difficulti am a young 39 I don’t look my age and up until I became pregnant I was still built like my 20 year old me.  Now you would think I was blending in better with a group of women the dreaded having to work with me for whatever reasons they could come up with, but no. I am still the most hated. I can’t.make assumptions why, even though when describing the behavior to to coworkers who see the division, which so far is just one. She says they are jealous because the see you are more and have something they don’t. I can never except because of course I go to the period where no one like me when younger because I was a none factor. So it becomes difficult to believe.jealousy as a cause for all the aggression.  I mean just seeing adult women fall over their faces to get away from me and not participate in a baby shower thrown on my behalf, hurts like hell! I have no answers I can’t figure out why I’m the outcast, but I won’t deny crying…and o don’t think I will ever just except this and not always blame myself for others don’t care much for me.  Thanks for reading.

Hello world!


This girl is all over the place. So I am now pregnant after thinking I could get pregnant, well god granted me a blessing in the form of a babygirl…I shall name her Gianna Joy. I’m already in love with my daughter now I don’t have to smother my only son, lol.